This was true for me. It began with a partner who fell over themselves to please. Almost too much. And I had thoughts of “what will I do if I wake up one day and do not like this person”, right from the start.
We know when we are in the wrong place.
This person’s friends tried to warn me, “Don’t you find this person scary”? Of course not… they were being whom they felt I needed, whom I would commit to, rather than their real self. By the time the sheep’s clothing started to fall off there were children, the relationship was long term I was programmed that you stick it out. I said that in my commitment vows.
But the day I finally felt no longer safe to stay – bits of wolf ears and fur showed all the time. Violent events passed off as “I had too many drinks”, “you pushed me into it” – you know how it goes. The day I decided to leave… the wolf leapt out of the wool and the full on violence began. AND the wolf moved fast to keep the illusion of being a sheep. The wolf created stories of terrible abandonment and being shockingly hurt by awful, careless actions. This left few supporters and sometimes nowhere to go for safety. Why even my parents told me it was my own fault and I should now suffer the consequences!
So many times I’ve had clients living in a pool of abuse and believing it’s normal. I did and I’m a professional therapist. I had NO idea that my experience was not a normal loving relationship. My childhood had been controlled and quite frightening. Love presented as “do as you’re told, or else”. So I did not expect much different.
And yet when the tough step of escape had been taken, it was as if stepping out into the warm sunlight after a prolonged severe frost.
My fears for everyone’s safety, that I had no idea I was feeling, dropped away.
Don’t get me wrong, wolves have their purpose in the big picture of life. Just not in relationships.
The concept of the lone wolf is apt. A wolf must stay alone until they walk away from the need to control their flock, the need the have a subservient flock, their internalised viciousness and need to attack whatever gets in their way (that had been kept for business purposes only until I announced I was leaving) and their fear of abandonment. Fear of abandonment creates the biggest and scariest wolves.
When you decide to step into the sunlight I am here as are many other professionals. Please ask for the help you will need to walk into the sunlight. It is MUCH warmer and nourishing in the light. It’s filled with buds bursting to life, glorious butterflies adorning branches, birds fluttering by. Everything hums with growth and beauty.
You cannot fix or change any partner. You are not your partners therapist.
You must believe your feelings and follow your intuitions….AND listen to your friends.